The Next Democratic Candidate Predictions
WORDS BY : R. DIXON | ILLUSTRATIONS BY: KRISTOM PARSON
As we celebrate the one year anniversary of the 2016 U.S presidential election and the demise of Hilary Clinton, it is imperative that the DNC look for some fresh faces (and blood). Both of the prior Democratic presidents have been young and “inexperienced” compared to their predecessors; they were politicians who were considered “outsiders” with a tint of swag/cool. Hilary was neither cool nor on the outside hence why she had no edge. Who ever is the next candidate one thing is for certain- he or she can’t be anyone who’s been in Congress too long.
So here at WestwoodWestwood, we decided to nominate five Democratic candidates that could re-energize and re-engage the controversial millennials, boomers with iPhones, and Snapchattin’ 18-year-olds (often referred to as “Soundcloud Rappers”). As for our quantitative research method, each of the prospects have been given a score of one to five in five categories that we deem to be critical in one’s path to dethrone our DOTARD leader.
We rated each potential candidate in the outlined categories below on a scale of 1-5, five being the best.
Meet our prospects:
BOB IGER, 66, CEO OF DISNEY
PRO+ He sleeps even less than Donald Trump. He’s a notoriously hard worker who often comes into the office before his secretary and makes his own coffee. A real go-getter.
CON- Maybe a little too clean-cut as we can’t tell if he even drinks alcohol. Show us your wild side, Bob.
Political Experience: 4
Domestic Affairs: 3
Global Influence: 3
ERIC GARCETTI, 46, MAYOR OF LOS ANGELES
PRO+ He has a near perfect resume to be a politician. He’s a Rhodes Scholar who can speak fluent Spanish, Italian, Korean, Chinese, Russian, and English. He can also play jazz piano (remember how Bill Clinton got elected after playing the sax on Arsenio Hall?).
CON- His father was the District Attorney who tried OJ.
Political Experience: 5
Domestic Affairs: 5
Global Influence: 1
GREGG POPOVICH, 68, NBA & OLYMPIC COACH
PRO+ Every NBA player and coach loves him, even though he’s a dick to every sports media member not named Craig Sager. Pop was also in the Air Force, so he comes with plenty of credentials.
CON- He coaches the San Antonio Spurs (if you don’t follow basketball, just think of day-old, dry wheat toast).
Political Experience: 2
Domenstic Affairs: 1
Global Influence: 5
HOWARD SCHULTZ, 64, CHAIRMAN OF STARBUCKS
PRO+ He made coffee the #1 drink in the world. As far as we’re concerned, coffee was invented in Seattle around the same time Al Gore invented the Internet. Schultz is a true American hero not to mention a former star high school quarterback.
CON- Sometimes I get the feeling that he speaks down to us (watch his interviews). Unfortunately, it worked for Donald, so we’ll see?
Political Experience: 3
Domestic Affairs: 4
Global Influence: 2
OPRAH WINFREY, 63, PRODUCER/HOST/PHILANTHROPIST
PRO+ Every mom loves Oprah. I can’t think of any woman who has anything bad to say about her. As long as she wins the women’s vote, it’s game over.
CON- She is unmarried which could be considered bad form but whatever.
Political Experience: 1
Anti- Establishment: 4
Domestic Affairs: 2
Global Influence: 4
And the winner is ERIC GARCETTI, Mayor of Los Angeles!