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Fashion Predictions for 2018

Style
Jan 5, 2018

Fashion Predictions for 2018

BY : JACK SUNNUCKS

Fashion Predictions for 2018

How can you wear oversized and be 'thicc' at the same time?

With the world descending further into hot, steaming madness, we’ve been thinking about something very important – what will people be wearing in the coming year? What to wear when nuclear war breaks out? Which bag is most suited to beating Nazis round the face? Is there a shoe that’s good for running away from impending ecological diaster?

Obviously, in all these situations you’re most likely to need a hazmat suit, a bag full of bricks, and hiking boots, but just in case none of the above happen and we get to live in peace (chic), here are our fashion predictions.

SHOES ARE ONLY GOING TO GET UGLIER

Post Balenciaga Croc, there is only one thing to do – buy an actual pair of crocs. We have ours, and can attest that they’re suited to any environment, whether it be the urban jungle, the actual jungle, or listening to jungle music. Customize with socks, anklets, or those horrible charms they sell in the store. Actually! Make your own. The Croc is just calling out to be glue gunned senseless.

FANNY PACKS

The terrifying reign of the fanny pack is only set to continue, as people realize that those grim status bags they’ve been toting round for a decade-plus give you a funny shoulder and are full of tissues and crusty gum. This does mean, however, that we can expect to see a slew of Fendi, Prada and Chanel fanny packs this year, as the fashion houses move in and ruin what was once a utilitarian must have.

ULTRAVIOLET

Millennial pink – out! The pantone color of the year is violet, which seems appropriate as it’s the color of sexual confusion and ain’t nobody doing the nasty at the moment. Victoria Beckham did a particularly nice suit in the shade, and the spring runways were awash in an array of relaxing pastels, from metallic blue and pink at Louis Vuitton, to gorgeous pastel ginghams at Loewe. Soothing tones – sounds perfect for what could be a trying year.

OAKLEY-ESQUE SUNGLASSES

Honestly, they’re not going away – just mooch around your local Wholefoods to see an array of hipsters in oversize, polarized, neon green face huggers by the iconic surf brand. We wholeheartedly support this – designer shades, with few exceptions (Celine), suck. Invest now before we move into something even larger and more hideous.

PHOEBE PHILO

Speaking of Celine, with Phoebe Philo now officially leaving the house she rebuilt over the past decade, expect to hear her name spoken ad nauseam by anyone with even a vague interest in fashion. Obviously, Philo would be fantastic at one of the grand French houses (Louis Vuitton looks like it might be looking for new leadership). Given her traditional hatred of living in France however – she’s had the Celine design studio in London since she started there – we say she’s more likely to end up at Burberry.

THE 'WHOLE 30' DIET

The ONLY thing you are allowed to talk about this January is Whole 30 – the diet where you eat nothing about from vegetables (no beige ones) and lean meats. Already our Instagrams have been inundated with a fizzing torrent of boring looking meals created by our nearest and dearest. I mean, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em, we say, and then cackle, meanly, when everyone gains all the weight back in the first week of February.

* thicc rihanna *

JUICY

Speaking of gaining weight – 2018 isn’t even about being thin anyway, it’s about having a thick body as epitomized by those Fashion Nova cyborg women who only wear mesh bod stockings to breakfast. Once you’ve finished starving yourself senseless, begin ordering pancakes with bacon AND a side of breakfast potatoes. Trust us – it’s going to make you happier in the long term. Or maybe you’ll have a heart attack mid year and won’t have to live through another minute of Trump! Who knows. What we’re saying is it’s high time to stop fad diets, which only help a handful of Instagram profiteers.